The Complete Poseurs' Guide to Golf

Golf is a game that takes decades to master. Most players will spend their whole lives without reaching a single digit handicap. So how can you look like a decent player without doing the hard yards and years learning the game? Well you've come to the right place. Welcome to Poseur Guides where we teach you all the short cuts to creating the facade of competence.

The Poseurs' Philosophy It's not what you do, its more important to look good while you're doing it. If there's a half arsed, easier way to do something, then we'll do it. Why be a fool and put in the blood, sweat and tears to gain proficiency, when you can make people believe it by looking the part and talking the talk.

Comparing your equipment
This is where it all begins. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter who shoots the lowest score. Its about who's got the best, latest and most expensive equipment. Your golf set is an extension of your phallus. This of course goes without saying since as a poseur everything in life is an extension of your phallus, be it your job, your car, your house or your trophy wife.

No self respecting poseur would be caught dead playing with a golf set costing less than AUD$3000. For those of you without $3000 keep reading and pay extra attention to the "scam your way to a better set" chapter.
Not all clubs in your set are equal!
There are really only 2 clubs in a golf set that will leave an impression and these are the clubs you have to get right or lose any credibility as a poseur. They are

1. Your Driver
2. Your Putter

You and your BIG STICK
Your driver must be big. The bigger the better. In fact there is no such thing as a driver that is too big. Here is a list of rules for choosing your driver.

1. If the head of your driver is smaller than a [Burger King] Whopper, then its too small.
2. Ideally get a Japanese brand driver that no one has ever heard of. This will give you instant credibility among your peers. Also Japanese social golfers are notoriously bad and thus Japanese golf equipment is loaded with the latest high tech advancements to compensate your lack of golfing ability.
3. Converse to rule 2, never get a branded driver that no one has ever heard of, for any drivers that are not Japanese. Your peers will just assume you purchased it from the bargain bin at Bob's Discount Golf Shack.
   

Your little stick
Your putter may be small but it should be the second most expensive item in your golf set after your driver. This is because it is the stick that gets the most exposure during any round of golf and therefore the eyes of the world shall see it. So here are some basic rules for choosing a putter.

1. Your putter must be made out of the the latest exotic space age materials eg its made from recycled ceramic tiles from the space shuttle or it's hand forged from an element not even defined on the periodic table.
   
2. It must have a highly visible groovy insert panel. Insert panels are way cool, don't consider a putter without one. There's no point of having an insert panel if your playing partners can't see that you've got an insert panel. Thus the insert panel must be in a highly contrasting color to the rest of the putter.
3. Under no circumstances shall you get a broomstick putter. Let me repeat myself. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHALL YOU GET A BROOMSTICK PUTTER! Nothing screams "I am a retard who cannot putt" more loudly than having a broomstick putter. Just don't go there. While the rule is Bigger is Better for Drivers, putters are the exact opposite. The more compact, the more it shows you have class.

Scamming a better golf set For many of you $3000 will seem like a lot of money to part with. The good news is that there are ways of getting a $3000 set without paying $3000 yourself.
The best way of course is the rich hacker uncle. These are important to identify and everyone is only 2 degrees of separation away from one! This is the uncle who is filthy rich and absolutely hopeless at golf. Every time he hits a bad shot he will curse his useless new set and retire it at the end of the round to get the new latest and greatest.
After identifying him, you must weasel your way to playing with him. Always let him beat you on the round but also always have one AND ONLY ONE (showing off may backfire on you) hole where you absolutely trounce him. This will trigger a subliminal reflex mechanism in him that he A) needs to get a new set of clubs B) the snotty nosed kid (aka you) has talent and should be nurtured. Thus you inherit a one week old golf set valued at the cost of a small Korean car.

The clothes maketh the man
Ah, "the clothes maketh the man" one of our all time favourite Poseur Guides sayings. To be a pro, you need to feel like a pro and to feel like a pro you need to look like a pro. Hence you need to dress like a pro. There are 2 guaranteed winning outfits for poseurs.

1. The Tiger
2. The Payne

Be a Tiger
Tiger is by far the greatest thing ever to happen to golf. Yes I hear a few of you old timers mention Jack Nicholas and Ben Hogan, but Jack is a fat old man with a beer gut and no one under 80 remembers Ben Hogan. Tiger however goes into the Poseur Hall of Fame for making golf (which is essentially an nonathletic game for old farts) cool. So you can't go wrong outfitting yourself like Tiger. So head out to Niketown and OD yourselves on Nike apparel.
However a word of warning. DO NOT get a Nike golf set. Having a set of Nike golf sticks will not only break your facade of poseur coolness, you won't have a snowball's chance in hell of a decent round. They are so bad that even Tiger can't play them. In fact Tiger uses an old set of Titlest clubs dressed to look like Nikes.

Be a Payne
The late great Payne Stewart was one golfer who knew how to dress snazzy. His signature Tam o'shanter hat and plus four happy pants intimidated opponents by shouting I'm such a great player I can beat you looking like a Scottish circus clown (not to be confused with the Scottish restaurant clown which are an entirely different genus, contrary to the name, Scottish restaurant clowns are actually native to North America).
To get the Payne Stewart look you need 3 essential items

1. The Tam o'shanter hat. These are caps like your grandfather used to wear to keep his little balding noggin warm. These can be found at any Good Sammy's store. Alternatively you can make one yourself by taking the stuffing out of any tartan cushion and glueing a pompom in the middle.
   
2. The argyle jumper. Ideally a Pringle argyle jumper.
3. A pair of loud plus fours. The louder your happy pants the more likely it will throw your opponents off their game while mesmerised by the intricate patterns on your buttocks and thus giving you a competitive advantage. Now a good pair of plus fours are pretty hard to come by these days so we suggest you can improvise by getting 3/4 pants or just getting regular happy pants and cutting them off mid-calf. Then get a pair of long socks, we recommend school socks, footy socks or any socks stolen from a maths teacher. Pull the socks over the bottom hem of your shortened happy pants and Voila! Plus fours!

Extra Balls: These always come in Handy. Especially when executing an Ivor drop (see details below)

Hip Flask: An essential item of equipment. Your hip flask should be made from silver or pewter (optionally leather bound) with an personalised engraved message from your grandfather. These are the kind of finer details that a true poseur would notice and appreciate. Even if you only recently purchased the flask yourself, make up a personalised message from your grandfather and get it engraved on it. In true Scottish tradition your hip flask should be filled with whiskey. Preferably a decent single malt. Being inebriated gives you an excuse for a bad game. Getting you partners inebriated brings them down to your level.

A big fat stoogie: To complete the look, you need a big fat cigar. Remember as with all things in poseurland, the cigar is most definitely an extension of your phallus. So no wimpy cigarillos or cafe cremes. Nothing smaller than a corona is acceptable. Ideally your cigar should show ridiculous length (like a Churchill) or a gauge so big it'll give your girlfriend lockjaw just to look at it.

The Royal and Ancient Modified Poseurs Rules to the game of Golf
Now that you look the part, you're still only half way there. You'll still need to show enough game to not embarrass yourself. I can see you're worried, but fear not. By applying the Royal and Ancient Modified Poseur Rules you can still put up an impressive score despite your lack of ability. Here are the 3 most important rules you need to remember

• The Mulligan: perhaps the most important rule you need to know. This gives you the right to take your shot again. You need of course to have a valid reason to take a mulligan, so always keep your mobile phone handy so you can blame it for vibrating on an incoming call or message just as you took your shot. Also use any noise eg a bird, passing car, partner breathing heavy to claim a mulligan if needed.
• Preferred Lie: No this doesn't mean you take 9 strokes and write down 3. This rule allows you to move your ball a club length away from a "hazard". Under Poseurs' rules anything can be deemed a hazard. This is also where your ridiculously large Japanese, self swinging, perpetual motion driver "with Super Handling!" and "Maximum Happy Returns always!" becomes valuable as it'll allow you to move the ball a full 3 meters from where it actually landed!
• The Gimme: This rule may be claimed if your putt is close enough to the hole to claim that you will be guaranteed to get it in with your next putt. You should always take the gimme. Systematic abuse of the Gimme Rule is a poseurs' prerogative. This not only improves your score, but will save you countless times the embarrassment of missing a short putt in front of the gallery. Technically you may claim a gimme if your ball is within a club length of the hole. You guessed it! Once again your trusty ridiculously large driver comes to the rescue allowing you to claim gimmes at twice the distance of any opponent.
  

Advanced technique

• The Ivor drop: A move named after the infamous golf cheater Ivor the Swede (who ironically was Norwegian). In an extraordinary coincidence, whenever Ivor sliced a ball into deep rough, he would inevitably "find" his ball in light rough, just off the fairway about 50 yards ahead of where his ball actually landed. To this day no one really know how Ivor achieved such miraculous feats. However after hiring expert visual illusion consultants including David Copperfield, David Blaine and Michael Jackson, Poseur Guides have devised a method to achieve virtually the same effect.
  

1. First you need to slice you ball into the deep rough. This should be easy as our recent Morgan survey showed that 90% of you poseurs had a big slice as your natural swing. It also showed that the other 10% were lying.
2. Head in the direction your ball entered into the rough
3. If you find your ball, make sure no one is watching while you pick up your ball. Alternatively you may execute the Ivor Shuffle (detailed later). If you cannot find your ball or can't be bothered, use a replacement ball from your bag.
   
4. Keep on walking through the rough pretending to look for your ball.
5. Once you have reached a distance 20 yards further than your best positioned opponent, find a spot in light rough with a decent flat lie and an open approach to the green and place your ball there.
6. Take your shot as normal.

• The Ivor Shuffle: Another signature move perfected by Ivor the Swede. Whenever your ball ends up in the rough or in a bad lie, you can execute the Ivor Shuffle to get yourself out of a sticky situation without wasting a valuable stroke. The secret of this Technique is in the positioning of your eye line. After sighting your ball, at no time afterwards should you look at your ball again. This move relies on the illusion that you are searching for your ball, when in fact you are slowly kick the ball through the rough to a suitable new position. Advanced poseurs may even attempt to end an Ivor Shuffle sequence with the Ivor punt.
• The Ivor Punt (Advanced Poseurs Only): If you find your ball in the light rough, wait for an opportunity when none of your playing partners are looking and casually kick your ball back onto the fairway. Be warned that this move has an extremely high level of difficulty and should not be attempted without having first spent many hours in simulation training with a professional coach. It should NEVER be attempted during a tournament. The potential of being caught out attempting this move is high. Repercussions may be severe, at some clubs this is enough to get you expelled. Legend has it that the great Ivor's career ended while trying to execute this move one too many times.
  

The games people play
To further distract you playing partners away from the fact your handicap is golf, we suggest playing games. This not only masks your incompetence, but its also highly fun. Start with these games and in no time you'll be so good you'd be making up your own games.

1. Ambrose: An oldie but a goodie. You play your next ball from where the best shot in your playing group landed. At the end of the day, your score looks respectable and no one will have realised that they never once used your shot.
2. The bunker hole: This game requires every player in your party to land their ball in a chosen bunker before continuing to the flag. This game increases the difficulty of the hole and usually inflates everyone's score to the point that relatively the fact you took 5 extra strokes on the hole is immaterial.
3. The driver hole: This hole must be played only using one club, the driver. This relies on the same score inflation theory as the bunker hole. This game also gives you extra opportunity to show off you fabulously expensive new driver.
   
4. The putter hole: This hole must be played using only your putter. See the driver hole above.
5. Putter Polo: WARNING! this game is for advanced poseurs only and should not be attempted by amateurs This game is played with the aid of an electric golf cart and may be played in doubles (where a partner drives while you do a drive by swing at the ball or solo which greatly increases the degree of difficulty.
   

Congratulations!
You've now been blessed with all the knowledge to allow you to be a total golf poseur. Now go out and impress!

Stay tuned for future Poseur Guides. Coming as soon as I can be arsed (could be a while so don't hold your breath)
The Poseurs Guide to Cycling
The Poseurs Guide to Sailing
The Poseurs' Guide to Country Clubs